Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
