The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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