i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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