ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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