well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm bleeding and have questions
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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