i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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