Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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