Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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