Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize