I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My vagina just clenched in fear
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
