I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We had sex on a dog bed..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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