Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
