So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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