Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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