if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
