I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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