Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize