Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
