Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
