ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
