btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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