I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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