at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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