there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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