pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
