I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I intend to get homeless drunk
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
