i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
