This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
