if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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