Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
