My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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