Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Text me some of your sweat
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
