i just had sex bonerless
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
