I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Congratulations! We have a period
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
