john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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