you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
