Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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