I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
