Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
