Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Randomize
