just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
