Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
