I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
