sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
