At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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