You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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