I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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