Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
