winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
