...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
