this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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