Kiss
Puke
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
