fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
tell me about the fingering
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