pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
