i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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