i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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