im six kinds of drunk right now
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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