Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
