Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
