Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize